In a move that sent shockwaves through the City of London, and bankers lunging for their speed-dials, London’s ‘Big 5′ cocaine dealing groups announced they had chosen Frankfurt as their new post-brexit HQ. ‘It’s simple economics innit?’, said group spokesman ‘Mike’ from Hackney. ‘Where those schnozzle-guzzling bankers go, we go. And they’re all fucking off to Fritzville.’
The news sent markets spiralling into a badly sniffling nose-dive, and then just as quickly shooting up again on a misplaced wave of euphoria and confidence. Then they entered a period of wild, unpredictable volatility as traders embarked on panic-selling of stocks and equities, and panic-buying of £50 bags.
Pro-EU Remainers described this latest news as a ‘disaster’ for ordinary, hard-working British coke-users, and another nail in the coffin for Brexit Britain. ‘For years, London has been the coke-hoovering capital of the world, but now we face losing that title to Frankfurt. It was a bad enough when the BBC moved to Salford – and now this!’
Teresa May tried to gloss over the bad economic news by touting a potential new free-trade deal with Colombia. Brexit Minister David Davis said the UK was in urgent talks with Colombian representatives, but these had proven difficult as the Colombian negotiators were said to be highly volatile, erratic, ultra-violent and heavily schnozzled. ‘They’re a tough bunch to do a deal with, the Colombians,’ said Davis. ‘When I dipped my finger into a bag and said it only seemed about 50% pure they threatened to blow my head off with an AK47 and kidnap my family.’
‘Our trade representatives aren’t used to negotiating for hundreds of tonnes of heavy narcotics, but we all watched Scarface well over a dozen times and spent some time with some young lads from Peckham. We even ditched the suits in favour of grey tracksuits and gold chains, and went in with multiple chainsaws, but those South Americans are hard nuts. Next time we’re just going to send in Jacob Rees-Mogg.’