In a stunning new development in the fight against terror, London has declared war on Yorkshire. Citing the 7/7 bombings as justification, Prime Minister David Cameron said: ‘Yes, the bombers were all Muslims. But they were also all from Yorkshire, a fact which I don’t think has received enough attention until now.’
The Ministry of Defence expressed enthusiasm for the new strategy, a spokesman saying: ‘It’s a pain in the arse fighting bloody wars in the desert. The sand gets in everything. Yorkshire’s a much simpler proposition – we just need to give everyone a cagoule for the constant pissing rain.’ Asked whether they weren’t just pursuing the same policy that’s been so disastrous in the Middle East, the spokesman replied, ‘no, it’s different because this time it’s in Yorkshire.’
Fears that Yorkshire-based MPs would vote against the war were overcome by scheduling the vote during pub opening hours. However, civil liberties groups have stressed that the vast majority of the people living in the county are ‘moderate Yorkies, some of whom don’t even tell you they’re from Yorkshire until the second sentence they speak to you’, and warned that demonising the whole community only plays into the hands of the extremists.
Already there are stories of people being too afraid to leave the house wearing flat caps or leading whippets for fear of being attacked, or at least overcharged by London cabbies. Lancastrians, meanwhile, say they have long been the victims of Yorkshire-based terrorism, and are relieved the rest of the world has finally noticed.
‘Just the other day, we had a bloke self-detonate with a blood-curdlin’ cry of “How much?!?” in Morrisons in the Arndale Centre in Rochdale. Left a right bloody mess, I can tell yer.’