Two members of the Bank of England’s Monetary Policy Committee who favoured an interest rate rise have been eaten alive by a school of piranhas on the whim of Bank of England Governor Mark Carney, while shocked members of the committee looked on.
Minutes of the meeting of 6th August note that Ian McCafferty and Martin Weale ‘left the meeting early’ after a disagreement over whether rates should remain at the historic low of 0.5%.
However, a member of the committee, who didn’t want to be named, has revealed the full horror of their departure: ‘It was all very civilised. We had a cordial discussion and two of the group said they favoured an increase of 0.25%. Ian was saying something about the economy being strong enough to sustain a rise when Mark reached under the table and pressed a button. The floor below Ian and Martin opened up and they slid off their chairs and disappeared.’
At this point it is understood that the meeting table parted with an ominous hum to reveal McCafferty and Weale in a pool underneath the floor being set upon by a school of frenzied piranhas. ‘The water turned red with blood,’ said the dead men’s colleague. ‘I’ve worked in finance for over 30 years and I know how cut-throat it can be but I’ve never seen anything like this. When we looked up Mark was stroking a white cat which seemed to appear from nowhere. He said; ‘does anyone else think there should be a rise in interest rates?’ Needless to say no-one did.’
The next meeting of the Monetary Policy Committee is due to be held on 3rd September. ‘I’m not looking forward it,’ said the anonymous committee member, ‘for a start it’s being held inside a volcano. What’s all that about?’