With some volunteers uncomfortable supporting LGBTQ rights, The National Trust has decided instead to memorialize smutty beachside postcards, grey socks and unimaginative sexual positions. The ‘Heterosexual Shame Weekend’ will see a march of boring copulators accompanied by bland music, conformist haircuts and an overwhelming sense of ennui.
Standing under a statue of the missionary position, one National Trust volunteer explained: ‘Instead of marking the 50th anniversary of homosexuality being decriminalised, we’ve decided to celebrate the 2,000th year of falling asleep during sex. We’ve also got a virtual reality display of heterosexuality – featuring the remains of Mary Whitehouse, a tartan thermos flask and a drunken Mel Gibson’.
Complaining about LGBTQ campaigns, Tory MP Andrew Bridgen said this is virtue signalling ‘gone mad’; while Ukip MEP Gerard Batten said this is politically correct nonsense ‘gone mad’. Elderly lesbian Janet Wilsby described both men as uptight heterosexuals – with all the open mindedness of Robert Mugabe on Grindr – ‘gone bad’.
Volunteers at Felbrigg Hall in Norfolk have agreed to wear magnolia-coloured badges and help a sassy gay friend to stop watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Instead, everyone will be lionizing the benefits of being ‘straight’; which include a phobia of glitter, reading Leviticus and a higher divorce rate.