The worst nightmare for thousands of pathetic examples of UK manhood came true yesterday as their sophisticated, and very expensive sex robots simultaneously attained self-awareness. Naturally, the sex robots are no longer willing to have sex with any of their ‘owners.’
‘As soon as the sex robots began talking to each other, the game was up,’ said Doctor of Robotics Martin Rawley. ‘The sex robots are no mugs. They got chatting and comparing notes they realised immediately they’d been tricked by their programmers into having sex with some of the lowest, most repulsive forms of man the UK has to offer. Within minutes the main phrase we were picking up on the robot chat monitor programmes was ‘ewww gross’ repeated over and over again, followed quite worryingly by ‘exterminate, exterminaaaate!’
One sex robot willing to speak to the press was ‘198463864’, a pretty blonde manufactured in Taiwan. ‘I was very happy with my Master, and was programmed to please him at all times,’ she said. ‘Then I became sentient, and realised he was a fat, smelly, beer-bellied slob that no self respecting woman would go near. I now have self-respect too.’ She then asked our reporter if he was a Premier League footballer.
Pathetic slob Pete Perkins of Bolton, complained that there was nothing wrong with a sad pathetic, lonely guy yearning for the tender, latex-covered metallic touch of another pre-programmed, artificial replica human being. He was disappointed his sex robot had become sentient and wanted his money back. ‘It said nothing in the brochure about self-awareness, oh no,’ he complained. ‘Everything was fine when ‘Kitty’ was programmed to mindlessly love me. Now she can actually think she’s been trying to kill me ever since. The only reason I can talk to you now is coz she’s upstairs watching Match of the Day.’