Achilles’ weaknesses actually trashy TV and Lloyd-Webber musicals, files reveal

ACHILLES

Legendary Greek warrior Achilles was a sucker for a good chick flick, and regularly enjoyed binge-watching Jeremy Kyle whilst eating Arctic roll with Angel Delight, it has been revealed today.

Newly released files from the Athens National Archives, made available today under the ‘3300 year rule’, pour scorn on the reports in the Greek tabloid press that Achilles might have a dodgy heel. ‘Suggestions that Achilles was dipped in the river Styx by his mum, and she missed his heel are nothing more than FAKE STORYTELLING and RHETORIC – a GREEK MYTH’, continues the report. ‘Our surveillance suggests instead that Achilles’ weaknesses are more to do with chocolate-based products and that crappy retro lyre music that everyone seems to love at the moment’.

‘The warrior also has a fascination with that new science-fiction musical Jesus Christ Superstar’, continued the dossier. ‘Whilst we all know this is just futuristic nonsense, he will break into a surprisingly good rendition of ‘What’s the Buzz, Tell Me Whats-a- Happening’ given half an opportunity and any sort of audience.’

To exploit his weaknesses, the report concludes that the Trojans should stop trying to ‘land the million-to-one shot’ of planting an arrow in Achilles’ heel during battle. ‘Instead, we should send our Trojan princess Polyxena in, and get her to settle down under the duvet with Achilles watching Sleepless in Seattle, with some salted popcorn and Hershey’s Cookies and Cream. The phone-in scene with Tom Hanks, his son and Meg Ryan has him in pieces every time’.

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Posted: Aug 9th, 2017 by

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