Unsure as to whether they had recently tested six intercontinental ballistic missiles or only five, the DPRK [Democratic People’s Republic of Korea] increased their rhetoric against the US by waving a long-range .44 Magnum in the general direction of Guam. Naturally Donald Trump responded in a measured and statesmanlike way, by tea-bagging a surprised Mexican Ambassador.
A spokesman for ‘mildly mucky’ Kim Jong-un said: ‘DPRK’s weapon system is most powerful in the world, and would blow your Imperialist head clean off. But in all this excitement, our glorious leader, has forgotten the launch codes. So Yankee Gangster, ask yourself a question – ‘do you know our mother’s maiden name?’ – as we only have one more attempt before the keypad locks.’
Despite his senior years, Trump claimed his nuclear arsenal was equal to the threat, boasting of its potency and girth. Popping a little blue pill, the President insisted he had the megatonnage of a man half his age and the hair of an orang-utan twice his stature.
Around 6,000 Guam army personnel are staring at the barrel of something with all the menace of Dr. Strangelove but all the safety checks of a Blue Peter creation. Meanwhile, Pyongyang has widely been condemned for making remarks with fascist, or at least authoritarian, undertones – which US Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said was breach of copyright.