An IAAF spokesman told reporters: ‘Both Mo and Usain let themselves and their countries down badly, and in our view, are clearly way past their best. We have therefore made the decision to have them put to sleep to save them from self-recrimination and harsh bollockings on social media. It will be done quickly and cleanly at an IAAF dinner and dance later this year.’
‘After they’re dead, we may have them stuffed and put on display at the IAAF headquarters, although some of our members are in favour of having them boiled down for glue and sold in special commemorative packs’.
The spokesman refused to comment when asked by reporters to confirm rumours that veteran athletics commentator, Brendan Foster, is going to be set free to enjoy the rest of his life in a Newcastle meadow with best friend and co-commentator, Steve Cram.