Chelsea’s Italian coach has been declared too dangerous to be allowed to celebrate any more goals in English football grounds. He has also been charged with hate-crime for his outrageously racist attempts to perpetuate completely unfounded stereotypes about passionate Italians.
Despite expanding the Chelsea technical area to include the entire pitch, Conte continued to endanger players, officials, staff and fans by going off like an unguided continental missile whenever Chelsea score. Officials fear that if Chelsea have another good season it’s only a matter of time before someone gets seriously hurt.
One Chelsea fan said he doesn’t feel safe at games involving Conte anymore after a close shave at Stamford Bridge. ‘I was quite near the sidelines watching the game when Chelsea scored. I was celebrating normally, but next thing I know Conte comes flying through the air towards me, arms and legs outstretched, with wild crazed looking eyes and this lunatic grin on his face. I just managed to catch him in my arms, and he clung to me like a limpet, kissing me violently on the cheek and screaming ‘Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!’ in my ear over and over and over. It was very frightening.’
After a recent high-scoring Chelsea home win the FA raised the Conte Goal Celebration Threat Levels to ‘Severe,’ and warned fans to stay vigilant and to immediately notify stewards if they spotted Conte beginning to wildly gesticulate. Officials meanwhile are working with Conte to encourage him to practice ‘safe celebrating’ in a more English way with just mild levels of fist-pumping and low-level cries of ‘get in!’