By popular demand, the grading system for secondary qualifications will now be number based; allowing pupils to accumulate evouchers at Pizza Express or six months of job seekers’ allowance. Loyal shoppers and under-achieving pupils can swap hard earned GCSEs for free drinks in Ibiza, tattoo laser removal or time off a custodial sentence. Whereas for top passes, you can get credit towards a tent upgrade at Glastonbury or tickets for ‘Hamilton’. Please note, however, that the new qualification cannot be exchanged for knowledge.
An education spokeswoman said: ‘At this point in time, having points replace letter grading may seem like a sticking point, a sore point, utterly pointless; but from another’s point of view it’s a turning point, a selling point, rather than a point of no return. Trying not to put to fine a point on it, there comes a point in time where letters are at breaking point. I don’t want to belabour the point, but we are at a cut off point, do you get my point?’
Under the UK system 1 GCSE point is the equivalent of 10 Iraqi Dinars, whereas in France, school children have combined their exam credits to purchase Neymar. Unfortunately the average British pupil will need to sit 67 GCSE exams to acquire the 30,000 Nectar points required for a place at a local Sixth Form College or a plasma TV.