An uneasy peace was hanging over the centre of Cowes, Isle of Wight, this morning after a series of riots that was initially sparked by passive-aggressive indirect communication between a man who needed the toilet and a group of born again Christians. This ultimately led to a bitter war of evasion involving glib generalisations from multiple parties, police have said.
‘We believe it all started when an unknown man approached the Christians, who were preaching to a crowd of one outside the Edinburgh Woollen Mill,’ said Inspector Raymond Crocker. He said “Excuse me please, I wonder if you can help me,” the minster said “Of course”, the man asked where the nearest public toilets were and another of the congregation stepped forward with a copy of the Bible, saying “All the answers are in here”.’
According to witnesses, the increasingly desperate man muttered “Can’t you just answer a simple question for fuck’s sake?”, another Christian asked him if he really had to swear, he said “Yes I fucking do, actually”, reached in his pocket for a business card and threw it on the floor, saying “Here, you want the answers? They’re all in that”. The Christians all tutted at him, aghast at the thought of having to look at a jargon-filled website to find the answer to a simple question.
‘At this point, another man who worked for an internet provider intervened to try and help, only to be asked tersely what it had to do with him and he responded in the only way he knew, by telling both sides to speak to the call centre,’ continued Inspector Crocker. ‘Then an off duty traffic officer walked by and closed the Christians’ stall and left a card with the number to call if wanted to appeal. Finally a man from Southern Rail knocked the table over and told them they could fill out a form online if they wanted a refund.’
As the disaster escalated, embarrassed people tried to leave the scene, only to be intercepted by researchers who wanted to know how they rated their customer experience, in a survey which they promised would only take three minutes, but actually dragged on until late in the evening, by which time the police had completed an impact assessment form. AS of this morning, they were still debating whether or not to intervene – if that’s all the same with YOU.