Graham Brady, chairman of the 1922 committee, has announced that, in the event of Theresa May’s resignation, the next leader of the party will be selected through mixed martial arts combat, rather than the usual vote of no confidence and then election by MPs and party members.
Preparations are already under way with the construction of a caged octagon in a basement of the Garrick Club, which has relaxed their no females rule to allow for the first bout between Andrea ‘Two Ovaries’ Leadsom and Priti ‘Essex Knuckles’ Patel.
Commentators say that the final contest, likely to feature Boris Johnson and Jacob-Rees Mogg, is anticipated to be the most brutal. Neither man is expected to be disadvantaged by the ‘no groin punching’ rule: Bojo has lost most feeling from the waist down after his unfortunate tight harness/high wire Olympics incident and the Moggster is similarly afflicted after spilling so much fatherly seed his testes have calcified. However, both competitors, having gone to Eton and Oxford, may struggle with the ‘no fingers to be inserted into orifices’ rule.
Michael Gove, who has resumed a training role in the Johnson camp, has said that the plan is to build up Bojo’s stamina by repeatedly stabbing him in the back until the skin begins thickens even further. Gove did admit though that Johnson was likely to struggle with a longer bout as he could easily get bored with anything once the novelty wore off.
Rees-Mogg, who is being trained by his nanny, is said to be vulnerable to the use of poor grammar in any sledging talk but has increased his stamina by bench pressing the large print version of Gibbon’s Decline & Fall of the Roman Empire. Nostalgists in the party were also delighted to discover that the undercard for the fight will be between Michael ‘The Undertaker’ Howard and William ‘Straight’ Hague, who fought the 1997 leadership election under WWE rules.