Scientists investigating a supposed chemical leak affecting parts of the East Sussex coast and a subsequent mist that was observed floating into Eastbourne are divided over whether it was a side effect of Brexit or the inevitable result of an excessively spicy lunch at a local care home. The emissions caused even greater breathing difficulties than usual in the coastal retirement home and residents were advised to stay indoors, not that they were likely to have done anything else anyway.
‘Technically, the choking and vomiting were symptoms of nostalgia, as locals realised that the next time they see France it will be a neighbour with better trading rules and much more money,’ said James Watkins, Reader in Politics with Chemistry at the University of Kent. ‘The stinging effect on their eyes was probably salt in their tear ducts as they shout ‘God, what have I done?’.’
Others who think that Bregrets are unlikely among retired and comfortably off 80-somethings on the South Coast speculated that the incident may still be Brexit-related, following the recent chlorination of the English Channel to meet US health and safety standards. However, local council officials said that the source of the leak has been traced to a care home in the Kingsmere district of Eastbourne.
‘We think in part it is due to the warm and sunny weather and the butternut squash the residents had for lunch,’ said a spokesman. ‘We think care workers at the home may have unwittingly opened all the windows at the same time, releasing the gaseous fumes into the atmosphere in breach of the strict guidelines concerning the opening of windows at care homes.’
The government has responded to the incident by reassuring the people of Eastbourne that Brexit is safe and in the hands of David Davis and the Home Right Guard, which will fight the invader on the beaches. ‘With Boris Johnson standing in the wings to add a little sauce to the mix, hat could possibly go wrong?’ a Foreign Office spokesman said. The coastguard has added that despite the reported mist it is still safe to swim off the coast of Eastbourne ‘and preferably keep going, until you reach somewhere sane.’
throngsman & Gerontius, hat tips to Southern Water and David H