An excited Alan Titchmarsh revealed today that he is one of five entrepreneurs chosen to build a prototype for President Donald Trump’s planned border wall with Mexico.
‘It’s an amazing privilege and I’m absolutely honoured and delighted to have been selected,’ said the gardener, presenter and novelist in an interview with Bricklayer’s Weekly. ‘We’ve got five days and a team of seven wonderful gardening luvvies to build a wall, 30 feet long and up to 30 feet high. And, oh yes, 1,900 miles long. That should have Tommy Walsh grumbling his head off again.’
US Customs and Border Protection have issued strict guidelines to the successful bidders. There are to be no cat-flaps or trellis work, while foundations should be deep enough and hard enough to prevent moles, muskrats and Mexican migrants from burrowing underneath.
‘We do have some leeway over the choice of materials,” continued Titchmarsh MBE, DL, Hon. FSE and all round good egg. ‘I’ve looked at Italian marble from the Tuscan quarries at Carrara which was sublimely used by Michelangelo in the early 16th century, but a cheaper option is breeze block impregnated with coffee grounds. And I’m sure Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen and the team will have some spare MDF if the budget gets stretched too far. The White House told me to invoice Mexico, then when they didn’t return my calls it all went a bit quiet’
The wall will also feature integral Mexican Adobe ovens on the southern face and brick-lined fire pits on the northern face to cater for people on both sides – a stipulation made by the President himself. Republican officials were also keen to have Charlie Dimmock put in a water feature on the Mexican side of the wall and to make it 50 feet deep, just in case any of the ‘goddam wetbacks’ can’t swim.
Titchmarsh has also scotched rumours that his arch-rival, Monty Don, has been selected by President Trump to construct a series of water features in Texas and Louisiana. ‘Monty’s a lovely guy, honestly,’ said Alan,’but he’s got very dodgy knees and no MBE. Unlike me. Besides, there’s only one person for that job and that’s the lovely Lancashire lass, Christine Walkden. She looks fabulous in flippers and can hold her breath underwater for much longer than your average beaver.’