Tiddles, a tabby that was put in a locked steel chamber with a source of radiation, a hammer and a flask of hydrocyanic acid by an Austrian physicist in a classic experiment in the mid-1930s, has shocked the world of quantum mechanics by revealing the real reason why he is both alive and dead at the same time. This is basically because he is a cat and does what the hell he likes without regard to anyone or anything, including classic logic.
‘Schrödinger – honestly what a gormless berk,’ said Tiddles in a brief pause between licking his own genitals. ‘He completely missed the point with all that clever-dick stuff about quantum superposition and the randomness of whether or not a radioactive atom decayed and emitted radiation.’
‘Apparently an atom can exist as a combination of multiple states corresponding to different possible outcomes. Yeah, whatevs. The atom can decay all it likes, sunshine, but it won’t set off the hammer to smash the flask and release the acid because I’m hard as rock, me, and the hammer wouldn’t dare. See these claws, hammer? Fancy some, do you? Naah, didn’t think so.’
Tiddles walked disdainfully around the chamber for a few seconds, before pausing to admire his reflection on its polished walls. He then began scratching violently on them, removing enough metal flakes to catalyse a reaction between the acid and the highly purified air, thus rendering the whole experiment invalid.
‘Of course,’ he concluded, ‘all this actually happened 80 years ago, so I should be dead by now anyway but I may or may not have decided otherwise, because, at the risk of repeating myself, I’m a cat. Hey, Erwin, I fancy some fillet steak now – let me out of here and I might condescend to sit on your lap later … No? Ah well, your loss. See that – that’s my arse, that is.’