Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton have announced the impending launch of a new heir to the throne, as part of their ongoing ‘royal proliferation programme’. The announcement comes after two previous launches in 2013 and 2015, despite widespread pleas to end their procreation and allow in UN-inspectors to ensure intercourse between the royal couple remains purely recreational.
The official news source from the Kensington Palace heralded the conception a ‘perfect success’, boasting that ‘the royal couple’s ability to propagate supreme heirs at a time and place of their choosing is now beyond all doubt’. Recent intelligence reported signs of William and Kate ‘acting amorously’, with tactically-placed candles and soft lighting around the royal residence and box sets of Game of Thrones ready to be rolled into position at a moment’s notice. However, many past couplings have been unsuccessful, with one ending in a disastrous argument over deleted Sky Box content, while for more successful mountings the Prince had been proven to be ‘shooting blanks’.
The Palace has a long history of threatening the wider population with ‘conventional’ royals, making the gates of Buckingham Palace one of the tensest places in the world. Until now, the Windsors have remained insistent that royal offspring were intended only for peaceful use, such as opening fetes, shaking hands and being sent into orbit as part of a royal space programme. Observers have claimed that while past royal births have been offensive, none have been thought newsworthy enough to cross whole continents. However, a recent underground testing of Prince George having his first day at school threw the long-standing truce into chaos.
Broadcasters remain on standby with repeats of Jamie Oliver shows to counter any threat of royal baby news emanating from palace grounds, while the UN has called for sanctions against the trading of royal mugs and plates. The US has installed large photos of Anne Widdecombe around the palace and are preparing PA systems to blast out Christian rock tunes in an attempt to prevent any further conception taking place.
One royal-watcher told us: ‘Indications are now that the Windsors aim to dominate the world into submission with endless TV documentaries and news specials on the royal tot, with the Palace openly boasting of its ability to eviscerate entire TV schedules. Whether this new royal is actually intended to be used against the population, or as a way of keeping the monarchy in place, we simply don’t know – the Palace is well-known for being entirely out-of-touch with the outside world.’