The conciliation service ACAS, called in to arbitrate between McDonald’s and its striking employees, has issued a statement saying ‘Well, duh. You didn’t realise working there would be shit? You’re serving slabs of gristle, sinew, cartilage and ground-up eyeballs, recovered by machines that scrape the bones of slaughtered cows for every last scrap, to overweight morons who don’t care what they’re putting in their bodies as long as it’s cheap. Or, if you’re really lucky, your job might be to stop people who’ve come in to use the loo without buying anything. What part of that did you imagine would be more appealing than it turned out to be?
‘Did you ever stop to wonder why your employer gave us the word “McJobsworth”, meaning a tedious, dead-end, poorly paid job you can’t wait to leave? And still you thought your average working day might consist of what, rubbing suntan oil onto Scarlett Johannson?’
The statement continued to consider the impact of ruling in favour of the employees: ‘What about polar explorers who didn’t realise it might be a bit nippy?’
The ACAS negotiator then registered a formal complaint with himself, saying that when he signed up to arbitrate industrial disputes he hadn’t realised quite how idiotic so many of them would be. Unfortunately, due to staff shortages, he was required to represent both sides of his case and ended up shouting at himself in an empty room. He has since found alternative employment with Vodafone’s customer service helpline.