Urgent work has begun on Wayne Rooney’s new multi-million pound doghouse extension, as his old one is nowhere near big enough for the current level of trouble he is in with wife Coleen. Work is continuing round the clock and it’s hoped it will be ready for Rooney to move into by the end of the week.
Rooney said his old doghouse was pretty worn out from overuse anyway. ‘I’ll miss my old doghouse as I spent a hell of a lot of time in it. Every time I shagged a prostitute basically, so yeah, a lot of time. But this time, as soon as I was pulled over by the cops I thought yep, we’re gonna need a bigger doghouse.’
The construction company building the massive doghouse said it had never taken on a project of this magnitude before. ‘We’ve built a few sizeable ones over the years,’ said company boss Pete Masters, ‘Ryan Giggs’s one was pretty decent, but nothing on this scale really. You’ve really got to hand it to Wayne, the amount of crap he’s in this time – it’s quite something.’
Once Rooney enters his new room of shame it will be hermetically sealed off by Coleen and all contact with her will cease, except for when she needs to change the password to his online bank account. Everton manager Ronald Koeman is upset at his star striker being unavailable indefinitely and has appealed to Coleen to think about reducing Rooney’s suspension, as his marital offending was at the lower end of the scale and probably only merits about 2 weeks.