Wayne Rooney, pilloried in the popular press for his extra-marital dalliances, is coming under further criticism, but this time it is not his actions that are under scrutiny, but the scale of them. Dave Keeble, Secretary of the British Association of Philandering Spouses (BAPS) expresses their frustration with his activities.
‘He’s worth bloody millions : if he is ‘playing away’, on his salary he should be ripped to the tits in a Bangkok Hilton penthouse, snorting coke from the arse-crack of a Thai prostitute whilst forming the middle link of a lady-boy botting chain. He should not be playing dippy-fingers with a pissed, part-time ‘escort’ in a lay-by on some back road in Cheshire. It lacks ambition and imagination, and what message does that send to our members ?’
BAPS was formed as a non-judgemental support organisation for wayward husbands, covering the gamut of betrayal from the ill-coordinated drunken barmaid fumble on a Saturday night , right up to the live-streaming of the threesome with the wife’s much more attractive twin sisters. Rooney had been fast-tracked for advanced Repeat Offender Membership, but it is likely he may now be expelled as a poor role model and an inability to think ‘outside of the box’.
‘Think of his wife, she must be devastated that her husband can be so readily tempted for the nothing price of a couple of bottles of Prosecco and half a tank of petrol. Such a lovely lass. Must be worth a few bob, as well.’
‘Errrm, you got her number ?’