Great Britain has finished second in the medal table at the 2016 Arms Trading Championship – well above the military superpowers of Russia, China, and France. Effectively obliterating its pre-Championship target of £12 billion from 50 different countries, the UK has experienced its most successful arms sales since the Second World War.
Britain shot into second place when Team GB won a series of gold medals for trade deals with Saudi Arabia, including the Munitions Triathlon which alone raised over £3 billion through the sale of missiles, bombs and the famous Eurofighter Typhoons.
The Prime Minister Theresa May said she was ‘over the moon, quite frankly Brian’ when she heard the result which, she said, ‘shows the world what we’re made of.’ A rendition of God Save the Queen by the starving Children’s Choir of Yemen was livestreamed as the medal was presented, a gesture which the PM later clarified would in no way improve their chances of claiming asylum in the UK.
‘Selling arms is a highly competitive sport which takes a special kind of government,’ she continued. ‘You must be tough, determined, and focussed. You mustn’t allow yourself to be distracted by petty things, such as human rights, ethics or David Cameron.’
Gold was secured by the United States, which remains the world’s biggest arms dealer and retains the much coveted title of ‘Profiteer of the Year’ for the 75th year in a row. Ms May graciously congratulated the US and said that Britain ‘must try harder’ next time.
‘As always, we shall continue to follow the example of our American cousins in this area, as in others, and aim to increase all manner of weapons overseas while lamenting their use at home, without any sense of irony whatsoever, and occasionally insinuating it must be all right because my father was a vicar, you know.’
Jodster, hat tips to Sir Lupus and nickb