Catholic Church to issue new, improved testament


‘We took a long hard look at the New Testament,’ said the Pope today, ‘and realised that it hadn’t been updated in yonks.’ A Cardinal close to the ‘New New Testament project’ confirmed that the church had employed cutting edge technology in the production of the document. ‘Cloud technology, obviously,’ he said today, showing how changes were tracked automatically.

‘Essentially we decided to pick up where God left off, two thousand years ago,’ said Father O’Leary, one of the sub-editors on the project. ‘But first we had to decide what to do with the existing New Testament – I mean, there’s a lot of stuff in there still popular, especially that trick with water turning into wine.’ Eventually it was decided to keep the old New Testament, but to ‘re-badge’ it as just ‘Testament.’ The Testament will now be issued as three separate volumes and a box-set with the trilogy bound in one volume. ‘It’s all over Amazon right now,’ said O’Leary.

The move to update and improve the Testament isn’t the only radical move attempted by the Church in recent years. ‘We tried to merge with Islam a couple of years ago, but got hit with anti-trust and monopoly lawsuits left, right and centre,’ said the Cardinal. ‘I’m glad that project failed – merging the Qu’ran with the Bible would have been one hell of an undertaking,’ he said.

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Posted: Sep 11th, 2017 by

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