At a modest £1,149, the iPhone X is this year’s must have accessory for the destitute; alongside a dog, a copy of the Big Issue and the smell of wee. The new device comes with inbuilt GPS to remind you where you used to live and a ‘poo emoji’ to tell you how shit your life has become.
Despite a 60% rise in homelessness, of which over 120,000 are children, those living in temporary accommodation will be able to use the ample 5.8 inch display as an umbrella or a rudimentary lean-to. While the homelessness problem costs the UK economy over £1bn a year, it is still cheaper than the average iPhone contract.
Face recognition may be challenging as the homeless are prone to growing beards and loosing teeth. One tramp noted: ‘As a discerning hobo, I’m naturally attracted to the fact it has more custom features than Samsung. I’ll certainly be switching mobile contracts, the moment I can liquidate my share portfolio’.
A Government spokesman commented on the 134% increase in rough sleepers: ‘There are many benefits to being homeless – except of course, actual house benefits. For instance, the chances of being burned to death in a tower block is virtually nil. And if you sleep in a Apple shop doorway – you’ll be first in line for the sales’.