New BBC Guidelines have paved the way for solo dancers on Strictly. It means that celibate clergy, those for whom sexual intercourse would be illegal or painful because of their age as well as recovering sex addicts who’d f*ck a pot plant given half the chance but have decided not to can enter themselves into the competition with a self-tango or single pasa doble. In addition, celibates can ‘can’ instead of can-can. They will be banned from the cha cha cha for mathematical reasons.
Explaining the policy shift, BBC Head of Multiversity Perry Smythe said ‘It’s well known that the traditional ballroom dance is no more or less than a ritual metaphor for pre heterosexual behavior. But we mustn’t exclude those for whom foxtrot-foreplay is a no no. I’m not talking about the Gay Gordons, Lesbian Lauras and bisexual Berties or even the Polyamorous Pollies. I’m talking about the celibate Cyrils, and solo Stephanies. To be true to their own sexuality they would either stand perfectly still to the Samba, masturbate the merengue or in some cases wank to the waltz. To take that last example, the ¾ time signature would be a real challenge, but would it make great TV? Our audition videos suggest not.’
Meanwhile BBC 1’s new Black British spicy chicken cooking competition has been put on the back burner ‘until a more suitable title can be found.’