Crystal Palace and the White House announce jobshare arrangement


In recognition of their common philosophy of taking a punt on people with little relevant experience and immediately dumping them when they turn out to be a disaster, Crystal Palace Football Club and the White House today announced that the roles of manager of the former and press secretary of the latter will be shared across the two organisations.

The new arrangement will see former White House communications director Sean Spicer managing the football club for their home game against Southampton on Saturday. He admitted that he had no idea of the rules of  ‘soccer’, or even how many players he’s allowed to put on the field, but said it didn’t matter as his plan was to denounce any reporting of the match or result as ‘fake news’. In the weekend match, announced Spicer, the opposition could expect ‘fire and fury’, and walls for free-kicks would involve a 2000 long mile concrete structure, rather than the traditional 4 defenders protecting their testicles with their hands.

Recent manager Alan Pardew, meanwhile, will be the first from Crystal Palace to take to the podium in the White House to try and undo the damage caused by whatever tweets the President sent during that day’s 5am bowel movement. Washington insiders say his dad dancing skills will come in extremely useful in deflecting attention from the indefensible.

Anthony Scaramucci said that he was very much looking forward to managing Palace after Spicer’s inevitable sacking in a couple of weeks time, and was already making preparations for it. Reports have been heard that he and the boys visited West Ham’s manager Slaven Bilic and told him “This is a real nice former Olympic stadium ya got here – be an awful shame if anything were to happen to it…”


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Posted: Sep 14th, 2017 by

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