The Leader of the Opposition Jeremy Corbyn has been accused of bringing fear to the streets of Islington, after he was involved in a brutal street brawl between the gang he leads and a rival Centre-Left crew from Mayfair. Residents say since his elevation to national prominence Mr Corbyn has been throwing his weight around, hanging out on street corners quizzing passers-by relentlessly on their views on Trident and asking them for their input into developing a new grass-roots kind of politics.
One resident, who didn’t want to be named for fear of reprisal from Corbyn, voiced his fears. ‘They call him King Corbyn round here and he’s a well nasty geezer. Him and his crew, Abbot, Starmer, Harman…upsetting the apple cart, asking if you’d be willing to sign their petition on zero hours contracts. Just looking for trouble really.’
Islington Police say they are aware of the Corbyn gang and are keeping a close eye on them. ‘Recent flashpoints between Corbyn and the Mayfair crew have centred on who has control of the key Kensington High Street area on a Saturday, and also whether statutory rights to trade union recognition should be extended to companies with less than 10 employees,’ said one officer. We’ve ASBO-ed him up to the eyeballs but he just goes to Parliament during the day and deletes them – it’s very frustrating. Whenever we try to speak to him he just gives us a gobful of abuse.’
‘Corbyn’s gang have tried to mark out their territory, by throwing distinctive pairs of brown sandals over the electricity cables that run above the streets,’ continued the officer. ‘Residents are being harassed in their own homes on a daily basis. If they’re not in, he leaves his distinctive calling card – a chilling silhouette of his bearded face on the front, and on the back an invitation to a town-hall style forum event on the future of the NHS.’
Corbyn’s gangster ways are starting to spill over into PMQs. He’s abandoned his tweed suits for a red hoodie and low-hanging jeans where you can see most of his undies, and has promoted grime star Stormzy to the front benches. He no longer addresses Theresa May as Prime Minister, but simply as ‘Bitch’ and calls Speaker John Bercow ‘Blud.’ He’s also vetoed any vote to extend Stop and Search powers to include Leader’s of the Opposition. And in a shocking scenes, when criticised for his behaviour by the PM, he accused her of ‘disrespecting’ him and challenged her to a ‘smackdown at recess – no Feds.’