New Bear Grylls cookbook a surprise hit with the middle classes


The inaugural cookbook by popular public schoolboy survivalist, Bear Grylls, has shot to the top of the best seller list.

The book, containing classic Grylls recipe favourites like ‘Freshly Squeezed Shit Drippings’ and ‘A Lizard’, has been a hit with trendy, time-poor Brits thanks to its short preparation times and no-nonsense instructions such as, ‘First, find some shit; fresh is best’ and ‘Grab it, grab it before it gets away’, respectively.

Entitled ‘From Ditch To Digestive Tract In A Jiffy’, the title’s publishers say the book is as much a lifestyle guide for banqueting on a budget as it is an essential tome for surviving-until-you’re-rescued-from-a-remote-and-inhospitable-pacific-archipelago.

‘We’ve all been there. You get home, open the fridge and there’s simply nothing to eat. Well, this book shows you there’s an easier route to a quick meal than trekking to your local Co-op for some red onions and fillet steak; such as your neighbour’s cat and that thing that died behind your shed some time ago.’

William Colvin, commercial director of Meat? Plc, the UK’s largest off-cuts wholesaler, says the book’s release has seen a massive increase in orders from upmarket supermarkets looking to cater for consumers short on the essentials.

‘It’s great news for us. We’ve had to triple our available stocks of horse duodenum and sheep lips to satisfy the demand from Waitrose alone. They’re now our biggest customer, surpassing Battersea Dogs’ Home and even Asda.’

However, one of the book’s most vocal critics, Jamie Oliver, has taken particular exception to Bear encroaching on his territory.

‘I’m the king of contemporary cut-price cooking, not him. He wouldn’t like it if I flew out to some isolated Argentinian island and instructed dinner ladies on how to bite the heads off injured penguins would he? Neither would his publishers: Penguin. No, this is definitely not pukka.’

He also had health and safety concerns over some of the recipes. ‘His ‘Scorpion With Foetid Cheese’ certainly wouldn’t make into Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference range, and his ‘Torn Red Squirrel In Your Piss’ is very rare; that needs at least another half an hour in the sun I reckon. Still, I suppose even those are safer to eat than most of Nigella’s recipes.’

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Posted: Sep 16th, 2017 by

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