The new Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn came under fresh pressure today as it was revealed that at no point during his student years did he take part in the normal student high-jinks that do so much to endear modern politicians to the British electorate. Downing Street accused Jeremy Corbyn of being ‘too much of a socialist puritan’ in his youth to have even done the normal harmless stuff, like for example, enjoying having sex with a severed pig’s head.
‘I mean, come on, we all did it…’ said a Conservative press officer to the nodding press pack. ‘We’ve all at one time smoked a little pot while listening to Supertramp. We’ve all got drunk and made idiots of ourselves, we’ve all er, stuck our cock and balls in the mouth of a severed pig’s head. But not Comrade Corbyn!’ he declared, as shocked reporters scribbled down this exclusive ready for the next day’s front pages.
The Daily Mail editorial compared Corbyn’s lack of university larks to that of IS recruits, who often shun traditional British social traditions such as porcine blow jobs. In a similar vein Metro branded the Labour leader ‘Comrade Killjoy’, while the Sun published a double page spread of pigs in lingerie headlined ‘Sizzling Hot British Porkers’.
Jeremy Corbyn seemed to be caught off-guard when a news interviewer tried to press him on whether he would now have sex with a pig, as is expected under the traditions of the unwritten British constitution. ‘Um, I did not know that custom was required for aspiring British Prime Ministers. Um, I’ll have to think about doing that.’
‘But come on, will you now commit to getting a blow job from a severed pig’s head? Are you prepared to do that in order to be taken seriously as a possible Prime Minister?’
A panicking Labour Party attempted to find anything that might show that their man was as good as the PM and hastily arranged a press conference in which a self-conscious looking Jeremy Corbyn attempted to a kiss and cuddle a Miss Piggy puppet.
‘It’s pathetic!’ said one voter in the key marginal of Nuneaton. ‘That’s not having sex with a dead pig – it’s just a cop out!’
‘Typical Labour – said another; ‘They’re just Tory-Lite. If I want to vote for a leader who has sex with a pig, I’d vote for the real thing.’
In another part of Westminster, a Green Party press conference in which Caroline Lucas talked warmly about her deep affection for hummus was ignored by journalists.