Gender Fluid United is the first football team to feature players whose gender identity is undecided and can change from day today. But its existence could be under threat after as-yet unidentified gender fluid was found in one of the club’s multisex showers.
The discovery has caused dismay and shock among players attending a meeting held yesterday at the club. ‘We aim to defeat the idea that teams are all male or all female when everyone knows the whole idea of gender is little more than a hegemonic social construct!’ the team goalkeeper ejaculated.
GF United have yet to play a formal game, although they have had friendlies with Bury St Edmunds women. But when Captain Hilary Smythe discovered the alleged gender fluid after one of the friendlies, she knew her or his dream of non-binary soccer might turn into a nightmare. Hilary has so far refused to describe the fluid, which was taken away for forensic analysis. One eyewitness said it was removed with a q-tip, while another said one of the forensic team was seen with a small Tupperware, although that may have contained sandwiches.
‘It’s almost unheard of for this kind of fluid to be gender neutral,’ said one scientist with a full set of male genitalia, not that it matters. ‘But it could call into question how players who claim gender fluidity can secrete fluid that is far from gender free.’ The scientist who for all we know was wearing a crinoline because we got the quotes on the phone continued: ‘Paradoxically the fluid or fluids we may be talking about are unlikely have any fluidity at all, when it comes to the gender identity of their former owner.’
Earlier editions of this article accidentally featured the goalkeeper’s ejaculation as a self standing sentence. ‘The team goalkeeper ejaculated.’ This has been edited to look less smutty, with only partial success. But we do defend our journalists’ right to use the verb ‘ejaculate’ to mean shout. If they must. Such writing takes real spunk.
nickb, hat-tip to Oxbridge