In a late-night tweet, and in an attempt to placate diplomats following his aggressive UN address, US president Donald Trump has revealed details of his plan to attack North Korea, should the US or its friendly territories be attacked by hostile ballistic missiles.
“We’ll gunk them to death with millions of cans of my favourite hairspray’, announced Trump. ‘After all it turns my hair into a solid wobble-free mass that is impenetrable. It we hit Pyongyang then Kim Jong un and his generals will be a motionless composite of ineffectiveness and won’t be able to press their nuclear buttons. We can then invade North Korea and knock-off Yung’s head with a chisel as he watches powerless.’
Trump’s favoured brand of hairspray, ‘CHI’s Helmet Head’ has also been shown to deplete the ozone layer much more effectively than other brands. ‘The frozen dictator and his cronies will also get a rather damaging suntan’, added today’s Chief of Staff John Kelly. ‘The unprotected rays from the sun could even turn them orange so that they look completely ridiculous.’
It is understood that North Korea, Iran, China and Russia have attempted to stockpile millions of cans of Helmet Head but newly enforced sanctions have meant they have only been able to secure stocks of L’Oreal Elnett Satin. A spokesman for Vladimir Putin confirmed that a relatiatory attack on the White House with this product would be a last resort. ‘It would leave Donald and his crew with healthy looking hair that smelled great’, said Putin. ‘With a shine that lasts all day without attracting dust or traffic fumes.’