Following a campaign lasting several years, the Hansom Cab Drivers Association is today celebrating the news that Transport for London has decided not to renew the licence to operate granted to motorised taxis in the capital.
“This is a victory for ordinary Londoners,” said spokesman Josiah Hozzlethwaite, stroking his luxuriant side-whiskers as he wrapped his Ulster around himself against the fog rolling in off the Thames. “Granted, they may have wanted an alternative to travelling at a snail’s pace with the constant smell of horseshit in their nostrils, but, er… well, it’s good for them in some way, can’t think how just at the moment…”
“Oh, I know – public safety. Who’s to say Jack the Ripper wasn’t one of these so-called ‘taxi’ drivers, plying his trade in the East End? Yes, it’s definitely best if they’re banned.”
However, a driver of one of these newfangled motorised taxis dismissed this as complete nonsense.
“It’s a closed-shop cartel, designed to deprive Londoners of choice in order to keep their own profits high. And we taxi drivers would never behave like that, unless of course we stood to make more money that way, in which case we would.”
In other news, a group of particularly backward mathematicians today celebrated the ban on their colleagues using calculators and computers.
“I mean, what is the point of us having spent years doing ‘the knowledge’, memorising the answer to every possible calculation, if these people are just going to use some machine to work it out in a fraction of a second? It’s almost as if we’d wasted years of our lives doing something completely pointless.”