Amid violent protests, Catalans have appealed for their independence from an evil, centralized European bureaucracy and an end to straight bananas. Holding banners depicting Nigel Farage in a Barcelona strip, the protesters chanted for a return to English as the national language, imperial measurements and roast beef with paella.
Some have suggested that Catalans may have been manipulated by UK nationalistic fervour, but Señor Miguel Gove insisted that they had had enough of experts and sunshine: ‘Once out of Spain we’ll have complete control of our borders …except the bit that borders on to Spain. Remember Catexit means Catexit, although it does sound like another name for cat flap’.
Independence will mean an end to immigrants coming over taking all the best jobs – with the exception of Lionel Messi. While Nicola Sturgeon insisted that Catalan Independence would impact on Scottish Independence because of…because of…well, just ‘because’.
In the previous months the ‘Bus de mentiras’ had been seen in towns, reminding people that the NHS was underthreat from Spanish health tourists. Sadly at least 460 Catalans have been injured defending smoky bacon-flavored crisps and statues of Dame Vera Lynn, with one saying: ‘We want a hard Catexit, although, come to think of it, that does sound a bit like a closed cat flap’.