Cough sweet now ‘Prime Minister in waiting’

A mentholated cough sweet has become bookies’ favourite for next Conservative Party leader after making an unexpected appearance at the Tory Party Conference during the Prime Minister’s speech. As Theresa May struggled to deliver her prepared text, the sweet took to the podium, prompting rapturous applause and a spontaneous standing ovation from the crowd.

One party member told us: ‘It was pretty clear the speech was going badly when even Theresa’s sepia-tinted corn-based childhood anecdotes failed to elicit the expected response, so when Cough Sweet appeared there was a sense of collective relief across the room. Even May seemed accepting of Cough Sweet’s superior charm and charisma, holding it up to the crowd as if to bask in its glow.’

Meanwhile, Labour’s Jeremy Corbyn has attacked the confectionery, saying: ‘We must remember that poor people, often with colds they caught off rich bosses and bankers, are forced to pay for this medicine at newsagents and chemists. This is the sugar-coating of Tory NHS privatisation – it’s time the government coughed up!’

The prospect of a leadership challenge before the election has been downplayed by Cabinet members. However, one unnamed ‘Cough Sweet for PM’ supporter told us: ‘Some people say awarding high office to a small lozenge is jeopardising the public, but I have no doubt that Cough Sweet has what it takes to bring the party together and woo the public. Think about it – it’s soothing, it comes in attractive wrapping, and it has a tough, resilient shell with a soft inside, exactly the qualities the Prime Minister is lacking. We know we must also appeal more to the young, and what young people don’t love sweets? Plus, Cough Sweet can appeal to Brexiteers and those in coastal constituencies, as it is literally a fisherman’s friend.’

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Posted: Oct 5th, 2017 by

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