The Spanish government today said it couldn’t understand why Catalonia was even thinking about declaring independence.
‘We tell them they’re not allowed to hold an opinion poll, and when they do it anyway, we send riot police to break into the polling stations, steal half the ballot boxes and beat up people just for trying to register their opinion. I mean, what’s not to like?’
‘Now we’ve told then their Parliament isn’t allowed to meet at all, in case they declare independence. Surely this will make them love us and want to accept rule from Madrid?’
Further stages in this charm offensive, should they prove necessary, include plans to dump all the sewage from everywhere in Spain in a big pile in the middle of Barcelona, send in bulldozers to flatten people’s houses and cut Lionel Messi’s hamstrings next time Barca play Real Madrid.