Despite being embroiled in an historical abuse scandal and ‘technically dead’, Edward Heath is now the frontrunner to replace beleaguered Theresa May. One Minister commented: ‘Gropey Heath may have bodged elections and dragged us into the EU – but he never messed up a speech’.
Supporters say Mr. Heath has the gravitas and rigor mortis that other challengers’ lack; while also avoiding twelve years of party scandal, by focusing on decomposition. They also insist that being a classical organist was not a euphemism, although no one referenced his fondness for seamen.
Of course, this is not the first time that a Tory leadership challenge has been mounted by a corpse, as friends of Iain Duncan Smith will attest. Yet one backbencher pointed out: ‘If we wanted to elect an out-of-touch, zombie-like, festering priss – we’d have picked Jacob Rees Mogg’.
Senior Tories say Mrs. May’s days are numbered, with many referencing the halcyon Conservative leadership of Michael Howard and Ivan the Terrible: ‘Ted was always cold and aloof, so I guess that won’t have changed with time. But we have more chance of re-animating a corpse, than we do resuscitating Theresa May’.