Sean Marshall, a 24-year-old apprentice bricklayer from Liverpool, was highly embarrassed earlier today when four casual acquaintances from a local band accosted him on the street and repeatedly told him that yesterday they had seen his ex-girlfriend, Julie Baker, and that she had told them she loves him, yeah yeah yeah.
‘I didn’t know where to look,’ complained Marshall, who broke off his relationship with Baker after a blazing row outside a pub in the city centre two months ago. ‘Everyone was pointing and sniggering while these four weirdoes kept telling me that they had seen ‘my lost love’ yesterday and ‘it’s me she’s thinking of’. And apparently she told them to say all this – and now they think that it can’t be bad and I should be glad. What would they know about it anyway?’
As shoppers on Bootle High Street burst into spontaneous applause and filmed the incident to upload on social media, the band continued to tell Marshall about Baker had resolved her doubts about him. ‘Oh yeah, she informs these guys I barely know that I hurt her so she almost lost her mind. But now she says she knows I’m not the hurting kind. Well which is it then? Typical Julie – thick as shit and can’t make her mind up about anything.’
The hideously embarrassing ordeal has convinced Marshall he is better off single for the foreseeable future, even if a clingy ex still implausibly claims to love him, yeah yeah yeah. ‘Basically, I don’t appreciate this one bit,’ he said. ‘For a start, the main reason I dumped her because she was always disappearing backstage at gigs to cop off with musicians – isn’t that right, Paul? … All FOUR of them? Oh for fuck’s sake…’