Isle of Wight in shock at school paintball rampage


For the second time in barely 20 years, the Isle of Wight is said to be a state of shock after a student went on a rampage with a paintball gun in his school. In what was believed to be a generationally motivated attack, 15-year old Tristan Horner, a student from St Saviour’s Academy in Sandown, moved from classroom to classroom asking students their age before shooting anyone in their prime. Calls are already being made for stronger restrictions on paintballing guns.

It has been alleged that Horner, a loner who disdained the cream teas and Scout camps beloved of his generation on the Isle, specifically targeted those two to four years younger than him, who he described on Twitter is ‘well annoying’, plus assorted others he regarded as ‘total gaylords’. ‘We were fine while he was with his classmates,’ said teacher Jessica Blount, ‘but as soon as he got to the younger classes it was horrific. There were groups of 11- and 13-year-olds clutching their chests, with red everywhere.’

The National Paintballing Association said that it mourned the slightly inconvenienced but noted that: ‘This would never have happened if teachers, or even the students, had their own paintball guns. Paintball guns don’t cover things in paint, people cover things in paint. And sometimes paintbrushes cover people in paint. And sometimes rollers. And sponges, probably. But it’s much too early to say what the cause of this tragedy was and we hope no-one is cynical enough to use this for political reasons to restrict paint sales to the over 18s.’

Prime Minister David Cameron made a special announcement expressing huge disappointment that such wanton vandalism could happen in this day and age, though he refused to confirm or deny rumours that the Conservative cabinet team-building day had taken place at a local paintballing arena. ‘What I do in my spare time is my business – oh grow up, that was LAST week,’ Cameron said. ‘The real concern is how often this sort of tragedy would happen under a Corbyn leadership.’


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Posted: Oct 10th, 2017 by

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