The police have revealed further harrowing details of a series of gruesome killings carried out by a gang of four men and one woman since 1969. It is believed that the group, referred to in the press as the ‘Blue Mink Killers’, had boiled several hundred people in a giant aluminium cooking pot at their isolated farm in Carmarthenshire in what was apparently a deranged bid to accelerate inter-racial breeding.
‘It was the most appalling sight I have seen in my 30-year career in the police force,’ said Detective Inspector Ronald Hargreaves of Scotland Yard. ‘Torsos and limbs from adults of every age and racial type all boiled to bits. The gang leader Roger Greenaway told us their ultimate aim was to turn out coffee-coloured people – I’m assuming he meant Nescafe, since that’s the only coffee their generation knew of – but frankly the result didn’t look even human and was more like a mixture of pink and grey.’
Even more bizarrely, it has emerged that the ten foot-wide pot and the wooden spoon carved from an entire elm tree that the Blue Mink Killers had used to stir the melting pot was only a prototype. Their evil plans, which the CID found scrawled in an old school exercise book, was for another to be built, big enough to take the world and all it’s got.
Long after their own deaths, potentially for 100 years or more, the gang hoped to keep this stirring and feed in the entire world population in the hope of creating an ideal human type in units of twenty. Unable to work out exactly how to do this, they had kept the smaller version going while sitting around making tie-dye shirts, smoking weed and saying “Hey, man”.
The gang is due to stand trial at the Old Bailey next month. Inspector Hargreaves said that he was confident that they will not only all face life imprisonment but will never be released. ‘They were planning genocide on an unprecedented scale and I don’t believe their supposed idealistic motive for one second,’ he said. ‘As we led them away, Greenaway was singing some vile tosh about “Curly Latin kinkies/Mixed with yellow Chinkees”. Mass murder is one thing, but casual racism is quite another.’