Tropical cyclone Hurricane Orphelia is to be trialled in Scotland as a preparation for possible rollout across the UK, the Government has announced.
A Government minister told us: ‘If we look at the previous ‘no hurricanes’ system, the wealthier in society were forced to take the brunt of the winds via damage to their yachts, lost hats, and costs associated with cancelled flights, while those living in tightly-packed terrace houses remained largely oblivious. With this flat-rate hurricane we can finally hit everyone equally. However, the new system will inevitably take some ‘bedding in’, so to ensure effectiveness, the gale force winds will be directed first to Scotland, where kilt-wearing already exposes many to cold gushes of air.’
It is thought Orphelia will hit the coast of Wales, where it will be met with giant concrete wind breaks and male voice choirs, redirecting it north of the border, where it will eventually be directed back across England if the operation is considered a success. However, opponents have already organised a campaign of civil disobedience in which participants refuse to blow over or acknowledge the falling of trees.
The hurricane has already hit Ireland, forcing Stormont MPs to reconvene in an emergency session to argue over whether it should prompt an amber or green warning. Meanwhile, former President Bill Clinton has cancelled his visit, saying ‘the last time I was blown that hard I was nearly impeached.’