The Government is offering a £20,000 incentive bonus to any GP willing to tackle the medical problems of rural communities, including fleas, worms and no qualms about mating with blood relatives. These pioneering doctors will be given extra training in how to deal with draining a putrid, maggot-infested cat-bite abscess or telling a villager to stop biting cats.
The Royal College of GPs said there is a serious shortage of staff willing to express a furry anal gland, unless it was part of a medical school initiation ritual. Sadly, too many doctors do not realise that rural residents have almost 70% DNA in common with human patients, and 86% with the average gibbon.
Some do not want to work in the countryside, for fear of toxoplasmosis, village fetes and Wicker Men filled with jam. That said, rural practitioners attest to meeting friendly residents who will let you rub their belly in exchange for a bowl of doggy treats or a chance to sniff your posterior.
There will of course be challenges, with many doctors at risk of being bitten by a rabid patient or that patient voting for UKIP. Said one GP, ‘at first I was concerned about communicating with different species, but once I realised they didn’t have souls or access to Café Nero, I relaxed. And the euthanasia part is almost a bonus’.