Royal watchers and courtiers are conspiring to keep secret that the next child of Kate Middleton, and fifth in line to the throne, is the biological off-spring of Paddington Bear.
In scenes that alarmed protection police, Paddington tried to make contact with the Duchess at a recent charity event and, under the guise of a charming dance spin, interrogated the Duchess about maintenance payments, visitation rights and whether the child will attend school in England or Peru.
Insiders have said that the relationship between the Bear and Duchess flourished when the Duchess was wandering around Portobello market and struck up a conversation over the price of an antique lamp. Friends of the Duchess say that it was very much love at first sight as each one of them stared into the glassy, beady, dead eyes of the other. It was not long afterwards that the Duchess was seen to be leaving 32 Windsor Gardens in the early hours of the morning, and a lady in waiting has reported that the Duchess often smelled of marmalade.
Royal watchers suggest that if news of the relationship does break, Prince William is likely to stand by the Duchess and also the unborn child, with an expert saying ‘if Prince William can love a brother who looks like he has been fathered by Bungle from Rainbow, he can love this new addition to the family.’