The grassiness of the alleged knoll that played a prominent part in the assassination of President Kennedy ‘may have been exaggerated’, according to formerly secret documents released by President Trump. And the knoll itself may now be downgraded to ‘small hillock’, which means a total re-write of the assassination story.
The papers also reveal that President Kennedy had sexual assassinations with three unnamed women the morning before the fateful assignation. The sex was consensual and consecutive, the secret dossiers reveal, adding that Kennedy preferred unnamed women, although they were more difficult to find than named women, who tend to form the majority. According to this theory the First Lady Jackie O’Kennedy was unaware of the activities of her husband and the three nameless women, despite being present at the time. This was because she was distracted by the task of ‘choosing the right outfit for the assassination’.
The papers also give credence to the theory that Jack Ruby, the man who shot the man who shot Kennedy, narrowly avoided being shot by yet another man, who in turn risked being shot by yet another man and so on. This is what’s known as the ‘chain reaction theory’ – in which hundreds of assassins were organised to shoot each other one by one to conceal the truth about the original shooting of the man who shot the man who shot the original assassin who cowered behind the knoll, or, as some now claim, lawn-covered mound, or even molehill, according to one mole.
Theories that the CIA, the Mafia, the FBI, the USSR, M15 and Marks and Spencer might have been somehow connected to the events still hold sway. Armando Iannucci’s new musical movie based on a secret meeting between Colonel Sanders and Kennedy – JFKFC – will be in cinemas next year. Ardol O’Hanlon will play Kennedy, while Melania Trump will play herself, playing the first lady. The part of Aristotle Onassis, the Greek Fridge Magnate, will be played by Harry Enfield. The part of LBW, the vice president with a taste for cricket, will be played by Jonathan Agnew. The part of Lee Harvey Nicholls, played by Benedict Cumberbatch, has yet to be cast