Millions of parents are set to face an awkward conversation this Christmas as they reveal to their kids that the retail giant Toys ‘R’ Us is not real.
Though its full origins are shrouded in mystery, it is thought the toy conglomerate as we know it today derived from stories of Saint Geoffrey, a fourth century priest who was well-known for distributing items to the poor within a competitive price structure. He was later killed when rival cleric Bishop Walmart stretched his neck on a rack, an image which still persists in depictions of him today. This altercation led to his recognition as the first “Walmartyr”.
In death, he was hallowed by the Catholic Church as the heavenly saint of commerce and retail parks, and stories of him persisted as yuletide legends, such as his predilection for collating lists of “rich” and “poor” children. In modern times, the store has become a fixture of the Christmas period, featured in such traditions as finding the parking space, the denial of exorbitant items, and the wailing of the many.
One parent told us: “They have an inkling that something’s amiss. They’re starting to ask questions like ‘what’s a Chapter 11 bankruptcy notice?’ and ‘how can Toys ‘R’ Us continue as an entity when faced with a global move toward online sales?’. In the past, we’ve been able to just pass it off as ‘magic’, but children have to eventually learn the truth about the manufacture/profit ratio.”
“It seems such a shame to have to break it to them”, continued the parent. “I guess we all want to believe in the existence of licenced imported products at low ,low prices.”