Matalan declares independence from Westfield shopping mall


The retail giant Matalan today shocked the world by declaring independence from Westfield, the shopping mall in which it is located.

Store manager Charlie Puigdemont cited the age old grievance that, as the most financially successful retail outlet, they were contributing more than others to the upkeep of the mall. “And all we get in return is hostility and contempt, rules telling us we have to change our colour scheme and window displays to match Westfield style guidelines. Which are frankly shit.”

The announcement was met with joy by hundreds of independence supporters, who gathered outside the store chanting traditional Matalan slogans such as “Up to 40% off during our unbeatable autumn sale” and singing the traditional Matalan anthem “Barrejar i combinar” (mix and match).

However, Westfield have responded by sacking Matalan’s management team and imposing direct rule. It’s feared there may be violent clashes when Westfield security guards attempt to take over from Matalan’s, some of whom have refused to relinquish their posts.

Moreover, Westfield warned than an independent Matalan wouldn’t automatically belong to the European Retail Consortium, and would have to apply for readmission. A spokesman for the Consortium said: “Sorry, what’s happened exactly? I haven’t seen the news, as we had a crucial vote over increasing our expense allowances.”

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Posted: Oct 28th, 2017 by

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