‘Buy your own sex toys’ May tells MPs

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Whether it’s an ebony butt plug, a lifelike rubber super-phallus or a 10 function G Spot Bluetooth enabled dual touch Rabbit in a choice of colours, I’m operating a strict ‘buy-it-yourself’ policy,’ the Prime Minister told party whips last night. ‘All too often we are finding researchers wasting time in a queue at the Palace of Westminster in-house branch of Anne Summers when they should be trying to sort out the Brexit mess or making tea’ she added.

‘I’m well aware of the culture of hard work and late hours that MPs have to endure. It’s totally understandable they should, during down time, want to chase attractive secretaries and interns of either sex down the corridors of power brandishing a purple Love-honey realistic anal prober, paid for by the tax payer. But entrusting the purchase choice of sex aids to inexperienced aids of either sex leads to delays and misunderstandings between MPs and staff. Which is why MP’s should make their own choices,’ Mrs May continued, adding that each item should be added to the list of Members’ interests, apart from consumables like edible underwear, lube, poppers and trauma counselling.

Matters came to a head when it was revealed that an anatomically correct sex doll dressed in a wig and M & S twinset passed undetected at a meeting of the Conservative Party 1922 committee. The Brandy Big Boob 3-hole sex doll appeared to tremble slightly when the committee voted on how to bring down inflation. She later went through the ‘Yes’ lobby for the Employment Practices Act

Meanwhile, it’s been announced that the most-sold item in the Commons public gallery gift shop is Westminster Bubble Bath.

 

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Posted: Oct 31st, 2017 by

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