Evidence has emerged that millions of Americans are now stalking Russia online, desperate to know who they are dating and when they attended Novosibirsk State University. Just like a creepy-ex, the US has developed an unhealthy addiction to trawling Russia’s Facebook page while sitting in their underwear holding a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and a shotgun.
This information came to light when California accidently poked Saint-Petersburg and ‘liked’ a bikini shot of ‘The Hermitage’. Insecure Americans have accessed 80,000 Russian posts during the 2016 presidential election, with the majority being photos of Vladimir Putin in fancy dress.
As the Cold War thawed, so has the relationship between the two nations; to a point where their only mutual friends are George Papadopoulos, Pavel Chekov and McDonalds. Many Americans are now living in fear that Russia may change its privacy settings or return to a post-Stalinist ‘Comrades Reunited’.
Armed with an encyclopaedic knowledge of Russia’s movements and school friends, the US has been attempting to bump into them ‘accidently’ in the corridors of the UN. Sadly America has now lost all self-respect – tapping refresh on Moscow’s timeline every ten minutes, using ‘Blurred Lines’ as their push-notification, and over-sharing Donald Trump.