Musical firework display technicians have asked if the clocks could be put back a further 0.4 or 0.5 seconds this weekend, to save their asses from more poorly synchronised bonfire night displays.
Intensive lobbying from the industry has come before thousands of events at cricket clubs, pubs and council parks on Friday and Saturday, where cold and wet spectators with cricks in their neck will politely wonder whether the rockets have been deliberately set to explode slightly before or after the first beat of each bar of Beethoven’s Ode to Joy.
‘The UK fireworks industry is totally out of sync’, complained Catherine Wheel, a spokeswoman for the industry.
‘Other countries moved to Pyrotechnic Saving Time many years ago, with the clocks cleverly being set back on November 4th by slightly more than a minim beat of Handel’s Music For Royal fireworks to save display organisers from embarrassment’.
The tradition of frustratingly mistimed musical accompaniments to explosions dates back to 1605, when Robert Catesby is reported to have started a piss-poor rendition of ‘There May be Trouble Ahead’ to accompany the heavy gunfire directed at him when cornered after the discovery of the gunpowder plot.
‘Every year since that time, the nation has celebrated by gathering round a bonfire, buying traditional glowstick bracelets, and enjoying 30 seconds of double breaks and aerial shells that come after 25 minutes of heavily syncopated musical and firework padding’, noted Wheel. ‘All accompanied by the sound of a thousand dads noting that they had no problems last year in their back garden syncing their fun-pack of rockets to a CD of Coldplay’.
‘The industry is booming’, concluded Wheel. ‘Unfortunately, its always just a split second after the music has finished’.