The UN has today announced that a three-degree rise in temperatures around the world will, eventually, solve everything.
For a start, experts have announced that Kevin Spacey can’t swim and he, therefore, will perish . The studios that house the BBC’s ‘The Week’ are in London and will soon be underwater and consequently Harriet Harman will never be able to tell a joke again.
As the sea will soon be encroaching as far in as Durham and HMP Frankland, prisoner officers will just have to dump the bodies of inmates like Ian Huntley out the window for a suitable burial. Fishermen will also see their incomes skyrocket as all of the extra water will mean more fish inland and, without EU quotas after Brexit, fish will also have to pay council tax and monies raised will go directly to the fishing industry.
Cutbacks within the armed services are also likely to be negated by most UK residents evolving gills and webbed hands over a period of time and this kind of direct manpower is highly likely to mean that nuclear submarines and the Royal Navy become obsolete as the defence of the realm falls to an elite regional army of trident-wielding mermen, mermaids and transmen or transmaids or, as they prefer to be called, dolphins.
Michael Gove and Boris Johnson, both leading voices for positivity and looking on the bright side of things, especially when they are actually shite – have welcomed the UN’s report. The government and opposition have also agreed that the cold water that will lap around the testicles of male MPs should cool their ardour and resolve the matters of sexual misconduct at Westminster. The Lib Dems have expressed concern, though, that as Vince Cable has extended his life-expectancy mostly through a process of stuffing himself with sawdust, he is likely to become severely waterlogged and the Lib Dems are probably going to have to turn to a leader made completely out of cork.