The Queen has hit back after being dragged into the financial scandal of having £10 million of her wealth held in offshore havens. Her Majesty told the gathered press at Buckingham Palace that one does what one fucking well wants with one’s cash and furthermore tax was only invented in the first place to pay for royal expenses.
‘One’s amazed one has actually anything invested in this Godforsaken dump at all. I’ve even got shares in Southern Rail – yes, you heard it right, Southern Rail. Besides, I shouldn’t have to explain myself, my face is on the notes you know. Fuck. Right. Orf,’ she added, to a broad beam of delight from Prince Philip, who told an aide that he loves it when Lizzie gets angry, because then she’s an absolute animal in the sack.
The Queen’s stance has delighted many MPs, who are hoping that a return to a focus on duck houses, exotic tax strategies and dishonest expenses will distract voters’ attention from the rumours about groping the fine fillies in the office. One said: ‘As always, the Queen is right – when the time comes for me to hang up the parliamentary sex toys bought for me quite voluntarily by an intern who is well over the age of consent, a big injection of cash will make me feel a lot better. I think that’s what Her Majesty meant.’
‘Voters are far likely to trust an MP who has simply added an extra nought to a taxi receipt after a late night sitting than one whose actions in said taxi are now being investigated by the Metropolitan Police,’ said another. ‘God Save the Queen an estimated 12.3% after tax by using financial instruments that, I must stress, are perfectly legal in the Turks and Caicos Islands.’
Meanwhile, the BBC has commissioned a new show, Cash in the Panama, where the presenter visits a rich family’s house and assesses its assets before taking a visit to their accountants to find new ways to avoid paying tax. A celebrity version is also in the pipeline, rumoured to feature Bono and Gary Barlow.
Presenter and money adviser to the rich, Terence Sidebottom, said: ‘Real estate is great. Not only do you make money, you also keep the poor from standing any chance of owning a property of their own. Let’s be honest no-one wants to see that when we can see them fiddling the odd tenner on benefits.’
Naff Laff and nickb, hat tip to apepper