The Conservative Party today announced that their targets to reach 1980’s levels of sleaze and corruption were way ahead of target. In fact, just one year into David Cameron’s second term as Prime Minister, party officials that the administration is just one sex scandal from equalling the previous tally of ‘David Mellor, a choir boy and a bag of oranges’.
Stephen Potterton, Conservative party Standards and Ethics head told us: ‘We felt the Lib Dems really held us back last term. We had really ambitious targets but just couldn’t get anything done without Clegg whining about it. ‘Wwaaahhh, you can’t take money from the disabled, waaaahhhh, you can’t cut back mental health services wwwahhhhhh’. He was really dull’.
Mr Potterton told us that the continuing erosion of the Steel industry, the Panama Papers scandal and the lowering of taxes for ‘anyone with a yacht’ had really contributed to great year so far: ‘I honestly think if we can get a couple of sex scandals and perhaps a cash for questions type affair, we’ll be running at the same levels as the Thatcher years. What better way to celebrate Maggie’s legacy than with a lap dance!’
Mr Potterton also told us that he had approached Boris Johnson to ‘knock up a staff member’ after a Michael Gove focus group resulted in communal revulsion.