Energy giants SSE, Npower and Jedward agree merger


Two of the country’s Big Six energy companies, SSE and Npower, and so-called media typhoons Jedward are to merge to create the UK’s largest and least stable energy provider. Spokespersons for SSE and Npower predict harnessing the natural exuberance of the perpetually motive entertainers could yield an output of energy greater by far than anything possible with nuclear energy, fossil fuel or even lighting a fatberg with a wick running through it.

The completed ‘Jedward Power Tower’ would have the external specifications of a nuclear facility but would internally resemble a colossal toy shop with a rubber floor, engineers have confirmed. Kinetic energy generated from Jedward’s hyperactivity would be collected by trampovoltaic cells embedded in the floor connected to a transformer which, as part of the agreement, would turn into a big truck when Jedward want to play with one.

Employing the principle of energy conversion from Einstein’s famous graffiti, e=mc2, where:
e = Energy
m = Milkshakes
c = Universal Constant Activity of Jedward
experts predict ‘Jedergy’ could reach at least 15 million homes, rising to 25 million when the boys operate in the rare ‘silent’ mode.

Currently the twosome are already busy electrifying the public as they tour theatres up and down the country with their adaptation of a Shakespeare masterpiece called Othello Othello, accompanied by The Cheeky Girls and a supporting cast of twins. The revolutionary production has the stage divided in half allowing two simultaneous adjacent performances of Othello, in which the entire cast dies twice. The audience wear 3D glasses to engage in an immersive experience that raises hair everywhere, not just on the head.

It is understood the Irish double-dynamos are keen to high-five the merger as they have negotiated for themselves unlimited quantities of pop, crisps and hair gel as part of the deal. However, the industry regulator has yet to give the go-ahead; the boys have been told they are doing nothing else until they have tidied their room, which may take an e-on.


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Posted: Nov 9th, 2017 by

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